


I'm Going Out on a Limb Here

by Monsieur_Grenouille



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Diary/Journal, Fun, Other, Sarcasm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:28:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 5,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24257407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monsieur_Grenouille/pseuds/Monsieur_Grenouille
Summary: I'm going to start a diary. Yes, this whole work is intended to be read in a monotonous, Ron Swanson type voice.
Kudos: 6





	1. May 18, 2020

I woke up at 5:20 am, put on my clothes and a face mask, and left my house. I walked around my neighborhood for a while, stopping to say hello to the stray cat near the creek frogs. I continued my dark walk to Amigo's, where I had to convince the person inside to let me walk through the drive thru. I bought a mocha, when I should've gotten a latte instead. I could've saved so much money. 

I walked home from Amigo's, listening to Demitri Martin comedy tracks on Spotify. I probably looked weird, being a guy laughing randomly in the middle of the sidewalk at 6:00 in the morning. At home, I got started on my schoolwork immediately. I didn't have anything to do, since I had finished everything on time, but I watched the farewell video from my science teacher a few times. He's retiring next year due to not being physically or financially able to continue his career. I grew a strong rapport with him and I'm sad to see him go. He had this dark borderline school appropriate humor that I really appreciate, and I remember how he'd shout, "Problem child!" at anyone who disagreed with him. But I'm getting off track. 

I read a few pages of _1984_ , then picked up my notebook and wrote a rant poem that I might turn into a song later on. It just depends on whether I like it tomorrow. I practiced guitar and cello in my basement. On guitar, I'm learning "Two of Us" by the Beatles. On cello, I'm learning "Fix You" by Coldplay. 

I got bored and frustrated, so I watched Parks and Rec while I practiced writing graphic scenes of homosexual intimacy. I refuse to call it porn. I've noticed that I'm listening to iDKHOW more often, which takes me back to last August, when I was told about them. 

I skipped lunch, as I did breakfast, then did the dishes. I sat on the couch afterwards, and pulled out my phone. I went to ao3, where I wrote this out of sheer boredom. 

That's been my day so far. I intend to keep my bland life until the day I die. Maybe find a bland significant other to go garage sailing with. If this hypothetical significant other is perfect, maybe I'll take him/her/them leather shopping. That sounds like something me and my friend would do. Maybe I should just marry him, you know? I could call him up and be like, "Yo, let's have a wedding over zoom. I want to go garage sailing with you." 

If you liked reading this, I honestly don't care. Same goes for every conceivable opinion about this. 


	2. May 19

I got bored, so I decided to do some writing on this diary. I woke up at 5:44 today, so I got 22 more minutes of sleep than the other night. I convinced the Amigo's people to let me walk through the drive thru again. I don't want to be rude or anything, but something tells me that Mexican restaurants shouldn't sell coffee. I know they add whipped cream and they put two chocolate covered coffee beans on it, but it's so bitter! I was still trying to choke down the mocha from yesterday, so I just bought a doughnut and left. They're starting to recognize me. 

After Amigo's, I went home and wrote a chapter of my latest WIP. It took shorter than expected, which was disappointing. I posted it and laid out a format to my fic. Now I know what will happen and when, and the only free thing about it is when I work on it. 

I'm a whore for dystopia, so I'll probably write in it a lot. 

I picked up my current leather project—a belt—and erased some of the lines I had drawn on it to keep track of the holes. My stepdad is helping me a ton with it, but I get to erase the lines. Yay me. 

My stepdad and I took a walk. We went to Barnes and Noble, where I didn’t buy anything. I browsed the section about queer history, trying to find a book written by a trans man for a trans man. I found one, but I'm not made of money. I just bought an iced coffee from the built in Starbucks and left. I saw there was a new Hunger Games book, but I have to finish _1984_ first. Commitments suck. 

I worked on the third chapter of my WIP, and got it posted right before my third walk. I literally just got back from it. So... yeah. I listened to “Social Climb” on loop for the majority of the day. If you haven’t checked out my WIP, you should. It’s called “Census Boys and Sensory Overloads.” It’s been a real trip so far, I’ll tell you that. 

See you tomorrow. 


	3. May 20

I woke up at 5:35 am. I feel happy with myself since I was able to get a five on the dot, but also because 535 backwards is 535 and it just puts me at ease. I was feeling dangerous today, so I walked to McDonald’s instead of Amigo’s for my coffee. Such a rebel. It’s almost like I’m willing to work hard for the decent cup of coffee I feel like I deserve. 

I got to the McDonald’s at 6:30, so I couldn’t go inside, but the people there also let me walk through the drive thru. 

When I got back home, I started immediately on my project “Census Boys and Sensory Overloads.” I wrote two chapters, therefore concluding it. Yay me. Please go check it out. 

The Panic! fandom is really small these days, you know? It’s like a handful of bored hormonal teenagers mixed with that one guy you see at Rainbow Comics that only remembers “I Write Sins Not Tragedies.” Then again, who would want to be in the Panic! fandom for long? It’s like the twenty one pilots fandom with access to cocaine. 

”Milk fic! Ryden! Brendon’s forehead rawr xD! Beebo! Ryan Ross is my husband uwu! High Hopes isn’t _real_ Panic, >:(. Ohmygod, you appreciate the inspirational and upbeat value of High Hopes??? Die faggot!”

Like, come on. I loved every inch of Panic! until I discovered the... the ~fandom~. It’s so exclusive and judge mental at times. If you haven’t read the milk fic, people tell you to read the milk fic. If you have read the milk fic, you’re a sick bastard. Give me a break! But then again, throam is the safest spot in the Panic! fandom. It’s not really brought up much because it’s a freaking series of novels, but also because it has actual value. People learn lessons from books like throam.

If you’ll excuse me, I’m about to get a little emotional and touchy, since this is my heartfelt opinion about throam. While reading it so far, I’ve been given a perspective on how the world was back in the seventies. It’s not all sex and rainbows, even though it literally was. In throam, Ryan has to learn about acceptance, stereotypes, and oppression when a homosexual becomes part of his band’s stage team. A lot of the people in the main bands are homophobic and if they’re not homophobic, they’re also gay. 

I’m only on chapter seven, but throam already has the potential to awaken something in me. I’m plenty secure with my sexuality, but I’m starting to realize that other people might not see it that way. Yeah, I’m a fairly masculine guy who finds himself kissing the occasional dude, but it’s not like I’m worried about it. If that guy is reasonably attractive and shows interest in me, I’d be stupid not to flirt with him, kiss him, then have a steady relationship for four to six months. Who wouldn’t? If he’s good, he’s good. 

Funny thing is, I'm not one sexuality or another. I’m just a virgin who has a very thought out plan of who is going to take my virginity. I want my best friend to do it. I don’t trust anyone else with it, and he’s stated multiple times that he’d gladly help me out with that. We once made out in a dark church, since we wanted to do something sacrilegious the night before leaving the Christian faith. 

Yes, we’re dramatic. Yes, I have written many songs about that night. Yes, I’m getting way off topic. I think I was writing about throam when I just started writing about my complicated relationship with a friend of mine. I’m nOt gay, though. I’m just open minded. Moving on. 

I finished a different work, then listened to a bit of an audio psychology lesson. I learned more about acute stress disorder, which I’m trying to get a grip on. It turns out that I can’t watch Star Wars because I have a memory of watching it with my father, who died when I was six. I can’t listen to certain Beatles, Green Day, or Oasis songs because he loved them. I’m slowly coming out of my shell, since I was able to listen to “Upside Down” by Jack Johnson today, along with “1234” by Feist. I’m trying to listen to “Collide” by Howie Day right now, but I can hear my heart beating loudly and it’s probably best if I just turn it off now. 

I miss echosmith. 


	4. May 21

I woke up in the middle of the night today and wrote down a poem that surfaced somewhere in my dream. The poem was about Dallon Weekes, and here it is. 

_he's tall he's gay he has icy blue eyes / but he has a set of teeth / he bit my grandma_

Poetic, I know. I'm just wondering where it came from. What sick part of my subconscious thinks about Dallon Weekes that way? I don’t think he’s gay, personally. I think he’s bisexual or at least experimented at some point, but I think everyone thinks that. My friends and I were shocked when he married a woman, but we were happy for him. 

Maybe that wasn't Dallon. Maybe that was my orchestra teacher. Either way, I was shocked for both, and they’re both happy fathers. My orchestra teacher is the “father” of his cat, but he’s still a father. 

I woke up at 5:29 and walked to the gas station, where I got the crappiest coffee I've had in I don't know how long. I'm choking it down as some form of punishment, I guess. 

I wrote a 2039 word Fanfiction, which you should go check out. It's called "I'll never be with you" and it's Ryden. I'm not ashamed of pitching my fics to you guys like advertisements; only nine people read this anyway and they're probably the same nine people who always come first to my fics. I'm glad! I'm glad that you guys like reading what I write, but it's interesting because you guys like reading what I write. 

The weirdest part is when I’m literally just talking about my life with a few side rants like this. This is literally what it looks like when I’m doing a paper/pencil diary. I talk as if someone’s reading, and none of it is relevant. Back on track, now. 

I had a long text conversation with AD, where I vented about the shit I’m going through and how I’m starting to suspect I’m burned out. I mean, I show all the symptoms. Maybe it’s part of the depression or the anxiety or the ADHD.

Ugh so it's 11:04 pm and I just realized I didn't post this part yet, nor did I really talk about my actual day, but basically I cried, watched Mister Roger's Neighborhood to remind myself that I'm worth it, watched iDKHOW interviews to hear their soothing voices, and then watched Hercules while eating rice. Not the ideal last day of school, but I'll take what I can get. 

Pax (Latin for Peace)


	5. May 22

Happy National 1-4-3 day! It is the 143 day of the year, and 1-4-3 was Mister Rogers code for I love you. So today I just want you guys to know that you're loved, and if you're ever feeling worthless, you can come talk to me. I'll listen and give advice from my own current experience.

I woke up at 5:20 today, which was a pain in the ass, and went on a walk. I didn't get my coffee from a restaurant today, since there were grounds in the filter already and I just had to pour water over it. I walked around a golf course near my house while listening to The Beatles, Panic! at the Disco, iDKHOW, and the Brobecks. I currently have a weird obsession with Dallon Weekes' voice. It's just... beautiful. I'm also proud that my hairstyle is a perfect blend of Dallon Weekes' and Ryan Seaman's, which is why I'm considering dying it blue soon. 

I didn't text much with AD today. After I had a massive panic attack the other day, he's just been checking in on me. I check in on him, too, since he's also in a rough patch and we both have to hold each other's backs. I guess that's the point of a hug, though. 

I read a bit of 1984, then watched some YouTube videos. My family's downstairs watching School of Rock, but I need alone time so I just hid out in the bathroom and wrote this. 

Really, nothing happened today. I made some art for throam. It's a picture of Ryan sitting in the conference room of the office and talking about Brendon or something. I checked Wattpad and it's still confusing, so I might just delete the account I made in April and just live here and only here. 

Pax. 


	6. May 23

I'm not in the mood today. First I woke up late (6:22), then I had Amigo's coffee again, then I forgot to take my ADHD medicine, then I avoided writing my work in progress, then I had to mow the lawn for more than three hours (still not done), then endured a family bike ride that I was less than capable of doing. I've also been way too spent and stressed lately. It's kind of why I've been writing, is so that I can sooth some of the pain or at least distract myself from it. 

So, in conclusion, I'm about to take some of "it" out on you. I just want you to know, though, that I'm not aiming it at you. I'm sure you're a wonderful person. In fact, I'm not directing it at anyone! I'm just a little mad right now. Need to blow off some steam. Here comes the "pissedness."

~~Today is national "Go suck a dick" day. Please honor our Lord and savior Heterosexual Cisgender Idiot by sucking a dick. Have a nice day and go live with the satisfaction that you, sir, aren't making anything easier.~~

I'm sorry. I just had to say it somewhere. Good night, guys. Love you. 

Pax. 


	7. May 24

What a day! I know it's only 1 pm where I live, but the day has given me enough already. I woke up at 6:43, wrote a bit, posted chapter two of my WIP (Back on Track: the Dallon Weekes story). I did some digital art to get used to my new stylus, too. Then I wrote a few poems, practiced both guitar and ukulele, and endured a long bike ride across a less than flat trail. 

A while ago today, some crazy things happened. Luckily, I remember every single detail about it in such vivid description. 

I woke up at 7:14, then left an orange note on the table to tell my parents that I went on a walk to the gas station to get coffee. I was wearing a mint green button down shirt, a dark green bow tie and khakis. After I came back, I sat on the back deck of my house and talked on the phone with AD. I watched an episode of The Office, then after everyone left the house I did some laundry.

I asked AD if he could hang out at the nearby mall, and he said yes. Around 11:33, he picked me up. 

At the mall I bought two things: a pin with Joe Trohman on it, and a My Chemical Romance shirt. At the food court, I ordered a BLT from Subway. AD and I sat across from each other and discussed CC, the boy I was dating at the time. I talked about how I was considering breaking up with him since it was a long-distance relationship and I thought we'd be better as friends, along with how he was slightly manipulative and my parents didn't like him. 

When I got home from the mall at 3:15, I called CC on the phone and broke up with him. I was in tears afterwards, but did laundry and watched YouTube to distract myself. 

Later, AD invited me to hang out again at Starbucks with a few friends of his. I agreed and ran there as fast as I could, only to found out that the others had barely left their houses. I had the barista surprise me with my order, since I used to be trusting like that. Key word is _used to be_. Nowadays, if I trust you with my coffee order, I'm trusting you with my life. 

When the friends arrived, we sat outside and made awkward dirty jokes. And then at one point—and I have no memory of how it started or what happened—I open my eyes and apparently I'm kissing AD. I'm like, "What the hell is going on?" but I don't say anything because I guess I had feelings for him. I feel bad about kissing someone on the same day I broke up with someone else, but at the end of the day it's all just lessons we learn. 

I don't know why I remember this day so well, but it definitely started a weird summer fling between me and AD. Maybe I'll tell you more about it at some point, because it was probably the best summer of my life so far.


	8. May 25

Literally nothing has happened today. I mean, I went on a family bike ride in the rain, but other than that I've been bored out of my mind. I got a devotional book along with some kitkats delivered to my house for some reason. The thing about the devotional book was that it was completely unnecessary. It's titled "Christian Devotions for Teenage Girls" and I am a Jewish teenage boy who's not hyper religious about anything. I mean, nice gesture, but why? 

Why? 

W H Y? 

Last night, my dream was so weird. I was at Amigo's, and I took a drink of some lemonade. It turned out to be vodka lemonade, so I spat it out and moved on with my lunch. But then some lady and her assistant came up to me and pinned me down, telling me that I was drunk because of the lemonade I _spat out_. 

She asked me a bunch of questions one after another, and I was so confused that I couldn't answer any of them. I was just like, "Wh...What? I'm not drunk" and she kept yelling at me and saying, "YOU'RE DRUNK YOU'RE DRUNK YOU'RE DRUNK." 

And then at one point she turned to her assistant and she said "You see how SHE'S confused about why we're doing this to HER?" 

And then I said, "Wait wait wait! I'm a boy."

Then she and her assistant laugh and she says, "Now we KNOW you're drunk." 

I think that dream was my mind trying to tell me that during quarantine, there's more transphobia since my family doesn't believe me. They just think I'm some person who wants to be different. 

I don't want to be different, though. My favorite Fall Out Boy lyric is literally, "I'd promise you anything for another shot at life" because I think I took a wrong turn when I didn't become like everyone else. I should've just taken the punches instead of trying to return them somehow and maybe I'd be happy. 

And if I'm different, that's impossible. There's 7.5 billion or so people on earth (even more before us) so there's nothing I can do that hasn't been done before. 

C'est la vie. 

C'est la fuckin vie. 


	9. May 26

No.


	10. May 27

I wake up. I walk. I write brallon. I clean my bathroom. I go to therapy. I cry in therapy. My mom refers to me by my preferred name, ending the two-hour long depressive episode I was in. I feel lazy. 


	11. May 28

Today was 6 degrees warmer than yesterday. I didn't get coffee but I _did_ get a slushy from McDonald's. I'm never doing that again. 

Some packages arrived from Redbubble this morning. They were late birthday gifts from my brothers. I'm so appreciative of Redbubble these days because if it wasn't for that, I would have nothing to waste my money on. 

I used numerous avatar creators to make pics of myself and others, eventually creating band members as girls. 

I'd like to thank @marilymansonfuckme for giving me the links and the ideas. You will probably see my Joe OC in future works. Thanks, Kitty! 


	12. May 29

Just a few more days until pride month! Except all the pride festivals are closed and the only pride flag I have is an eight inch by six inch cloth joke. I changed my profile pic to accommodate pride, showing my three main LGBT identities: FTM trans, Demiboy, and Asexual. That doesn't matter, though. 

I've never even been to Pride on purpose. There was one festival I went to when I was eight and didn't know what any of it was, but my family was supporting my uncles. I really want to go to Pride, though. I want to be surrounded by The Gay™ and wear my rainbow suspenders with my rainbow tie. I want the roles to switch, so that I'm having fun and my family doesn't know what to do. 

I miss being around gays, basically. My house is so cishet and the vibes are just killing me slowly. I drew a pride display with chalk on my driveway, but apparently it's not "encouragement towards children." IT'S ENCOURAGEMENT. IT'S ENCOURAGEMENT ONE THOUSAND. I'm encouraged by it, and I'm legally not an adult, so I'd say it's encouragement towards children. 

I wrote a few songs today to make up for how much I slacked off on the other few writing sessions, but of course that means I got literally nothing done on ao3. I try to post every day but now I'm just doing this and saying "bam. I posted." I need to get my head cut in, that's all. 

I read through some of my old fics today, and I'm just so embarrassed. I used to write horribly, and I probably still do. Once I finish this, I'm probably going to look back and think, "Why? Why did I do this?" And the answer will be that I had literally nothing else to do. 

I'm really uninspired right now so if someone could drop an idea into the comments, that would be great.


	13. May 30

I watched the Lorax today. There was a storm near my house, so I couldn't go on more than one walk, but I got an amazing video of the creek today. When the rain hits the water just right, it creates ripples that only last a second. Sometimes the ripples will overlap, and it's just beautiful. Breathtaking. I cried while listening to "Truce" by twenty øne piløts, so there's that. Sometimes people just need a good cry. 

It seems like I had the same speck of dust in my eye the whole day, no matter what I did. My stepdad taught me this trick where you lift up your eyelids and blink with your lower lids, but all that did was take out four eyelashes. It's okay. I have too many eyelashes anyway. 

I started working on a work that will go into my 30 day Pride Challenge, even though pride month starts in two days. I'M JUST SO EXCITED!!!! It sucks that all parades were cancelled, and I won't have that glorious moment of being noticed, but that's okay. I'll just compensate by showing my pride on this website and listening to pride playlists a lot. 

There's also my rainbow suspenders, which I could just wear every day under my clothes. Or outside my clothes. You never know, you know? 


	14. May 31

Jesus Christ. Archive of Our Own needs a dark mode snow blue skin because red annoys me and this light is blinding in my dark room. 

I don't have much to say about today. I rewrote my first fanfic, and it still sucks. It was some crappy Peterick that some people manage to appreciate. Then I finished up a project I've had over the past two days, and I'm glad that it was 2,242 words. I like the evenness and repetition. I mean, the four threw me off at first, but it's okay because it's even. 

I had Village Inn for breakfast, and it's completely valid to have burger and fries for breakfast. I'm going through something and I like their bread. 

I mowed the lawn, and I'm starting to get some new skills that I didn't have last year. Did you know that it's healthier for your grass if you mow once in each direction? It's how the grass grows at a better pace and gets those nice squares. 

My grandparents visited for a 6 feet away lunch, and it was nice to see them. I haven't seen them since March 5, otherwise. 

I spent the rest of my day reading a fanfiction called "50 Shades of Gay," so there's that. It's actually very well written, especially for a Wattpad fic. I'm impressed and waiting for the next chapter. 

I shaved my legs due to sheer boredom. When I don't want to put my clothes on after a shower but wearing a towel makes me feel like I'm wearing a dress, I take a razor and shave my legs. It's not feminine since I typically swim, meaning that I'd shave anyway.

Tomorrow is the start of Pride Month, so I'm extremely excited for that! Tomorrow is all rainbow clothes for me, or at least the rainbow clothes I have. Suspenders, a tie, a beanie... that's it. Damn that's sad. 


	15. June 1

And so it begins. My queerness will shine like the sun. I will be extra ace, extra trans, extra pan. Except I won't fall in love because that's extremely inconvenient right now. 

Well I do have this one friend has like an "on and off" relationship with me, but things got really messy last summer when we had this fling from opposite parts of America. He was taking a trip to Hawaii and I was visiting Maine. 

And last Thanksgiving.

And last Hanukkah. 

And this spring. 

And sort of right now but sometimes platonic attraction looks like romantic attraction and I end up making a fool out of myself. Maybe I'll just sit this one out, since last year I had some form of "competition" with this other guy to "win" my friend. 

I don't fight for people. I fight for their beliefs and rights, but I will not fight for romantic companionship when I know we'll still be friends. 

Sorry to say it, but I'm not going to destroy my health and happiness for a summer fling. You shouldn't, either. Being single is FABULOUS, since it means you can cuddle all your friends and no one will scream at you for "cheating." The only difference between my best friends and my lover is that I kiss my lover on the lips instead of forehead and cheek. 

Eh. I kiss my friends on the mouth when I'm single. I feel like I've gone over this before, but I can't stress it enough about how it's not gay if it's the homies. You can kiss your cute and funny best friend if he wants to. 

One time my friend was crying and then I just kinda made out with him until he stopped crying. I think that making out in churches is synonymous for me, now. I've done it four times, either to be sacrilegious on purpose or because they needed comfort and foolish mortals succumb to sexual attraction. I can feel love, but the concept of sex doesn't seem loving or romantic at all. It sounds boring. 

Don't get me wrong... I'm hella romantic. If I'm in love with you, you'll know. You'll know it before it even happens. I can feel love, but the concept of sex doesn't seem loving or romantic at all. It sounds boring. Do people really get turned on? Is that a THING?! I've spent so much time thinking that people are joking or exaggerating when they talk about sexy things, but now I'm learning that some people ACTUALLY FIND THINGS HOT and that sex isn't a stupid joke. 

Like those commercials with the attractive people??? Apparently people find those to be arousing??? WHAT IS SO HOT ABOUT HAIR?! It's literally dead skin cells that pile on your head like a freaking anthill. Either that or they droop down, like moss. Someone explain allosexuality in the comments, please. I want to know what I've been missing out on for the past while. This is really fascinating how appearance can change someone's opinion. Especially how some people find it essential. 

Allos are such intriguing creatures that I want to study. Happy pride. 


	16. Chapter 16

I really don't want to do this today. I'm small, I'm tired, and I'm mad at nothing. But I can tell you guys three things that happened today. 

I saw the city of ******* workers destroy my favorite bushes, the ones next to my favorite creek. I got back in touch with two old friends of mine. I saw a baby turtle.

And now I'm just a short angry writer, which only worked out well for one man: Alexander Hamilton.


	17. June 4

Mother Nature has no disregard for all the people in my city who are trying to sleep. TAKE YOUR LIGHTNING STORM SOMEWHERE ELSE! How about Germany?! Everyone there should be getting up right now! Wake them up, please. I'm trying to sLEEP–


	18. June 4 again because yesterday i marked it wrong

Sick of this year, honestly. There are some good things about it, though. Ever since I explained transgenderism and the nonbinary spectrum to my mother, she's been trying her best to respect it. She's coming along really well. I also uncovered the truth about my sexuality in March, then battled myself about it for the duration of April and May, but now I'm more than proud to announce I'm an asexual. It feels so freeing to say that. I don't have to hurt myself over it anymore. Sure, I don't see people normally, and it's only 1% of the population, but you know what's also 1% of the population? Really rich people and kids who want to be politicians. My buddy AD found out and now he's shipping a flag to my house. Apparently he knew all along or something. I'm starting to recall the times when I should've known, like when my friends were talking about how sexy anime girls were and I was just thinking, "tHeY're oNLy DRaWinGs, gUyS!" Or when one of my friends bought a vibrator as a joke and tried touching me with it. I sort of scolded him for wasting his money while the other people were saying that it felt good to have it touch them. I'm still a bit salty about how much of a waste it was. Money is for food, water, shelter, and clothing. It isn't for ill intended tomfuckery. I'm short, angry, and very opinionated. Go to bed.


	19. June 5

I think I forgot how to fall in love. I haven't been in love for a long time. I think even my ex girlfriend was seen as platonic while we dated. I'm not aromantic, but romance doesn't sound like a priority anymore. 

AD professsed love to me today. I thought about it and realized that I felt the same way, but I don't. I just want it to be platonic. I want to grow old with him, but I don't want to have a romantic life. Maybe it's just the stress of things. 

I bought a planner today. It says "THE GAY AGENDA" on it and has little quotes on each page. I talk about pride a lot. Maybe this is a pride blog. Deal with it.


	20. June 6

I hung out with AD today! We met in a parking lot and sat across from each other (six feet apart). I showed him some of the comedians I've been listening to lately, like John Mulaney and Demitri Martin. It was a bit more awkward to listen to Martin than Mulaney. AD had made me a sachet, and it's just wonderful. My deity is Apollo, my favorite Greek God. Apparently AD didn't know that when he was making the sachet, but just figured that Apollo and I had some stuff in common. I like summoning Apollo, so far. Apparently it's acceptable to talk to a deity, which is amazing because I needed to talk. 

I started to learn how to play Dungeons and Dragons today. I was the DM, which got stressful and exhausting. You can't just make peace with every creature, _mom_. Sometimes you have to kill them! 

I didn't get much writing done.


	21. June 9

I haven't updated in a while, but I think I have a good reason not to have. On the first day that I forgot to do it, I was completely spent. I came out to my grandparents as transgender that day, and I'm still living on the insane thought that they accept me. Even weirder, they saw it coming. Apparently, at one point when I was four or five, I walked up to my grandma and told her that I wanted to be a boy. I have absolutely no memory of any of it happening. 

On the other hand, I've really stopped wanting to do this type of thing. I'm sick, I have intense back pain, and this whole thing isn't fun anymore. I'm not ending it or anything, but I'm only going to write when I feel like there's something I should lecture you kids about. 


	22. June 16

PEOPLE ARE SLUTS FOR SUMMER BECAUSE PEOPLE TAKE THEIR CLOTHES OFF JUST FOR SUMMER BEING HOT. 


End file.
